In the year 1842, when A K Hangal was a teenager, the then Viceroy of India Lord David Gower ordered four Air Conditioners from England to fight the Indian summers. The four A/Cs continued to serve Gower and his successors Lord Atherton and Lord Collingwood at the viceroy house for next 105 years until India got independence in 1947. By then 2 A/Cs had lost their lives and out of the remaining 2, one was handed over to Jinnah during the partition. The last A/C was fitted at Nehru’s residence. The A/C continued to be in the prime minister's house until 1990 when P V Narsimha Rao became the PM. Rao was allergic to Air conditioners and his lips used to swell by 5 centimeters whenever he came in proximity of an A/C. Rao immediately ordered the antique A/C to be removed from his bedroom and couriered to his in-laws' house in Hyderabad. Rao's in-laws had a museum that used to store items from the British era. The A/C remained in the museum for 17 years and was a major attraction for the visitors due to its "not-found-in-modern A/Cs" looks, noise and vibrations. It is believed that A K Hangal’s last wish, before he breathed the last lump of oxygen in 2012, was to sit by the historic A/C once – the only electronic thing in India older than the actor himself. In the year 2007, Ram Gopal Verma dropped a nuclear bomb in the form of "RGV Ki AAG" and Narsimha Rao's father-in-law, who was a heart patient, made the blunder of watching the movie in the Prasadz IMAX screen. The poor old man had a severe heart attack the moment Mohanlal appeared on screen as Thakur and has since been in the ICU at Gandhi Hopspitals. After her husband was admitted into ICU, Rao's mother-in-law sold the British museum to NVS Sai Reddy, a small time businessman in the city. Sai had a sharp business mind. Instead of keeping the age-old items in a museum, Sai started renting them out to common people. Sai is still running this business successfully in Hyderabad and rents out sofas, dining tables, refrigerators from the British era at cheap rates to his customers. Being 100+ years old, the items do lack in quality, for example the refrigerators sometimes function like ovens, or the beds often come with a little nest for cockroaches, but Sai's customers never complain about these ‘minor’ glitches. Those of you who are wondering about the historic A/C, well I can proudly say that the 171 year old antique is now hanging on my bedroom window for the next 3 months - for as cheap as Rs. 3600 only (excluding transport & fitting charges). So what if it vibrates like a drunk rhino and makes scary noises to wake me up every couple of hours at night? So what if its face looks like an Egyptian mummy with bandage of cello tapes all around? So what if it puked 20 kilos of dust on my face the 1st time I switched it on? The fact remains that it is the oldest functioning A/C in India and I am proud to have borrowed it (I cannot claim Asia as I don't know the whereabouts of the A/C handed over to Jinnah. That A/C was last seen in use during the 1st birthday celebration of Inzamam's son in 1995) :P…..
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Aaj ka Gundaraaj
"Hello!! Mr. Harikesh? Sir this is Kaveri calling from ICICI bank sir."
Harikesh? Is her father sitting at the “Municipality Board of Jorhat”(Jorhat is my native town) and just changed my name from Hrishikesh to Harikesh? I may not be the most self respectful person around — coz I never retaliate with a ‘Kis se baat kar raha hein bey?’ when someone in the traffic shouts ‘Gaadi chalane nahin aati kya?’ at me. Or for that matter, I merely say ‘Thik hein’ when the guy staying next to my flat warns me not to through cigarette buds in front of his door(U never know Malaika Arora se bhi slim dikhnewala woh aadmi Bruce lee ka najayaj beta bhi ho sakta hein). But when it comes to my name, I am damn very particular about it. The “Krantiveer ka Nana Patekar” wakes up inside me when someone calls my name wrongly.
“Stupid girl! Pehle naam thik se bolna sikh. Phir call karna.”
These lines were about to come out at the highest possible pitch my ‘awaaz’ ever reached, but suddenly I thought…..Who knows this girl might have a brother, who might be frustrated with life for not getting the gym instructor’s job at “Stayfit gym, Begumpet” and kills time at home digesting the ‘gaalis’ of his retired father all day long. My lines would make Kaveri cry and when she would go home ‘anna’ would ask,”emaindi chelli?” (Means ‘kya hua behen?’ in telegu). Then all his frustration and anger would be released in a boxing bag named ‘Harikesh’. I have played a boxing bag before (read my earlier post ‘My spiritual jagran’). But there is a difference between playing that role to a guy who didn’t like your hairstyle and a guy whose sister was insulted by u. I didn’t dare to think beyond this and “decided to understand” that it doesn’t make any difference if someone changes my name from Hrishikesh to Harikesh or maybe even to Harekrishna.
“Yes Kaveri. Tell me.”
“Sir actually this call is regarding credit cards sir. Sir if u are free, can I take 5 mins from u?”
My brain automatically translated her lines to something like this:
“Sir I am calling from another 'brain eating organisation' of Hyderabad sir. Sir actually this call is regarding a couple of things that u least want to hear after lunch. Sir if u permit, can I start eating ur brain for sometime?”
Normally I handle these calls with a “No thanks”(For ladies) or a “Nahin”(For guys). But I thought of having some fun that day.
“Credit cards? What are they? I mean I have heard of them, but do not really know what they are.”, I replied.
“Ok I will tell u Mr. Harikesh. You can use credit cards instead of cash. Suppose you wanna buy something….if you do not wat to make any cash transaction then you can use credit cards.”
“Wow! Means credit cards are alternatives for cash.”
“Yes Mr.Harikesh.Exactly….”
“This is great Kaveri. How do credit cards look like? Do they look like greeting cards?”
“No no sir.”,she smirked,”they look like…mmmmm…visiting cards.”
“Great! So we can use them as visitng cards?”,I asked.
“No, no! do not give your credit card to anybody. I said they just look like visiting cards.”
“Ok ok! But what is your profit if I take a credit card? I mean I will be getting goods for free. What will u gain from that?”,I asked.
“Noooo…noooo….noooo(the ‘o’ part in ‘no’ stretched)…u won’t get things for free. Instead of cash, u will use the credit card. That’s it.”,she explained.
“Okkkkk(Now I prolonged the ‘k’ part in ‘ok’). But how many credit cards will I get? I mean instead of a 100 rupee note, I will have to show a 100 rupee credit card or instead of a 50 rupee note, I will have to show a 50 rupee credit card, right?”
“Oh Shivaaa!”, she said and hung up.
Ab mujhe phir se darr lagne laga! Is she referring to “Lord Shiva” only or is Shiva her Hercules ka chota bhai type boyfriend???
But nothing nightmarish happened and for next 3-4 weeks those calls from ICICI stopped bugging me……
Harikesh? Is her father sitting at the “Municipality Board of Jorhat”(Jorhat is my native town) and just changed my name from Hrishikesh to Harikesh? I may not be the most self respectful person around — coz I never retaliate with a ‘Kis se baat kar raha hein bey?’ when someone in the traffic shouts ‘Gaadi chalane nahin aati kya?’ at me. Or for that matter, I merely say ‘Thik hein’ when the guy staying next to my flat warns me not to through cigarette buds in front of his door(U never know Malaika Arora se bhi slim dikhnewala woh aadmi Bruce lee ka najayaj beta bhi ho sakta hein). But when it comes to my name, I am damn very particular about it. The “Krantiveer ka Nana Patekar” wakes up inside me when someone calls my name wrongly.
“Stupid girl! Pehle naam thik se bolna sikh. Phir call karna.”
These lines were about to come out at the highest possible pitch my ‘awaaz’ ever reached, but suddenly I thought…..Who knows this girl might have a brother, who might be frustrated with life for not getting the gym instructor’s job at “Stayfit gym, Begumpet” and kills time at home digesting the ‘gaalis’ of his retired father all day long. My lines would make Kaveri cry and when she would go home ‘anna’ would ask,”emaindi chelli?” (Means ‘kya hua behen?’ in telegu). Then all his frustration and anger would be released in a boxing bag named ‘Harikesh’. I have played a boxing bag before (read my earlier post ‘My spiritual jagran’). But there is a difference between playing that role to a guy who didn’t like your hairstyle and a guy whose sister was insulted by u. I didn’t dare to think beyond this and “decided to understand” that it doesn’t make any difference if someone changes my name from Hrishikesh to Harikesh or maybe even to Harekrishna.
“Yes Kaveri. Tell me.”
“Sir actually this call is regarding credit cards sir. Sir if u are free, can I take 5 mins from u?”
My brain automatically translated her lines to something like this:
“Sir I am calling from another 'brain eating organisation' of Hyderabad sir. Sir actually this call is regarding a couple of things that u least want to hear after lunch. Sir if u permit, can I start eating ur brain for sometime?”
Normally I handle these calls with a “No thanks”(For ladies) or a “Nahin”(For guys). But I thought of having some fun that day.
“Credit cards? What are they? I mean I have heard of them, but do not really know what they are.”, I replied.
“Ok I will tell u Mr. Harikesh. You can use credit cards instead of cash. Suppose you wanna buy something….if you do not wat to make any cash transaction then you can use credit cards.”
“Wow! Means credit cards are alternatives for cash.”
“Yes Mr.Harikesh.Exactly….”
“This is great Kaveri. How do credit cards look like? Do they look like greeting cards?”
“No no sir.”,she smirked,”they look like…mmmmm…visiting cards.”
“Great! So we can use them as visitng cards?”,I asked.
“No, no! do not give your credit card to anybody. I said they just look like visiting cards.”
“Ok ok! But what is your profit if I take a credit card? I mean I will be getting goods for free. What will u gain from that?”,I asked.
“Noooo…noooo….noooo(the ‘o’ part in ‘no’ stretched)…u won’t get things for free. Instead of cash, u will use the credit card. That’s it.”,she explained.
“Okkkkk(Now I prolonged the ‘k’ part in ‘ok’). But how many credit cards will I get? I mean instead of a 100 rupee note, I will have to show a 100 rupee credit card or instead of a 50 rupee note, I will have to show a 50 rupee credit card, right?”
“Oh Shivaaa!”, she said and hung up.
Ab mujhe phir se darr lagne laga! Is she referring to “Lord Shiva” only or is Shiva her Hercules ka chota bhai type boyfriend???
But nothing nightmarish happened and for next 3-4 weeks those calls from ICICI stopped bugging me……
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I....Tom Hanks....
If someone sets a hidden camera on me these days,what he would end up having is a documentory on "a man's struggle for roti-kapda and makan".The film would be much boring than the art films we used to watch in DD1 when we were in primary schools.Apart from one or two STD calls(say for 45 mins),there is not a single minute in the remaining 1395 minutes that would appeal the audience.There was a time(in 2002-03-04) where a film on my daily life would have earned anyone an Oscar.There was comedy,drama(by some of our college deans),dance,music,cricket,suspense(exam results) and even action(yes!I represented my college in a fight with the nearby gaonwallahs).Yes!one element was still missing,but even that was compansated with the regular 9 to 10 shows in Gyani's computer.But within 2 years everything met with a "Napoleon fate".And my waterloo was awaiting me in Hyderabad. Today I see myself as the Tom Hanks of "Cast Away".The excitement in my life means "kya aaj mera daal achcha banega?".Fun in my life means Star-one 10:00 PM--where Vinay Pathak and co do the same to bollywood/politicians that we used to do to our friends in college.Exercise means "washing 10 shirts on Sundays".2 years back I never thought that I would be cooking daal-chawal 'mere apne haathon se' someday.My friends(who were much more well informed than me) told me that life in a metro rocks....'Abey just go outta college!!phir dekhna kya mast life hein'....I promise I would keep pet dogs in the name of everyone who told me that.
But I am not sad about all these.Coz another element that has vanished from the movie is 'emotions':-).Seems like I have turned into a robot--who wakes up 5 minutes past his official office time.Then curses himself for once again forgetting to bring biscuits for breakfast.Then with "khali pet" drives his 'Apache' to office at 40 kmph(I think my lifestyle deserves a Bajaj Boxer or a Hero Majestic rather than an Apache)...then blends himself into work for the next 10-11 hours.When I come home,my bed,my tables-chairs shout,"goonga aa gaya, goonga aa gaya"[coz they hardly see me speaking]...I pickup my mobile and go to the roof...when I come down, my experiment with daal-chawal begins....hei!I have had some findings yaar--if u add 2 onions instead of 1 in daal,uska taste ekdam sonu nigam ke acting skills jaisa ban jata hein(remember love in nepal,jaani dushman)....on the other hand,in chicken,the more the onion,better the taste....also kabhi bhi tomatto ko dusre cheezon ke saath nahin rakhne ka....sala jaldi marta hein...aur unke dead bodies ke saath sone mein aloo-pyaaj logon ko darr lagega na...waise I have some findings in the 'challenging field of washing' also...like...the collars and the hands are the most vulnerable areas for 'meil'...so u better use brushes to clean those areas....also ARIEL has a better smell than surf....toh dekha!there are advantages of staying alone...aur bhi bahut saare advantages are there...I will tell u later....
PS: Last saturday,Idea's network was down.So the only words I uttered last saturday were..."5 roti,ek mixed veg"(to the dhabawala at 1:15 PM),"Jindegi kaisi hein paheli haai.."(the song--while taking bath at 2:45 PM).."aah!"(at 11:05 PM...guess why?...yes!when there was a power cut)...no wonder the TV,the stove,the bed,the tables think that their owner is a goonga....
But I am not sad about all these.Coz another element that has vanished from the movie is 'emotions':-).Seems like I have turned into a robot--who wakes up 5 minutes past his official office time.Then curses himself for once again forgetting to bring biscuits for breakfast.Then with "khali pet" drives his 'Apache' to office at 40 kmph(I think my lifestyle deserves a Bajaj Boxer or a Hero Majestic rather than an Apache)...then blends himself into work for the next 10-11 hours.When I come home,my bed,my tables-chairs shout,"goonga aa gaya, goonga aa gaya"[coz they hardly see me speaking]...I pickup my mobile and go to the roof...when I come down, my experiment with daal-chawal begins....hei!I have had some findings yaar--if u add 2 onions instead of 1 in daal,uska taste ekdam sonu nigam ke acting skills jaisa ban jata hein(remember love in nepal,jaani dushman)....on the other hand,in chicken,the more the onion,better the taste....also kabhi bhi tomatto ko dusre cheezon ke saath nahin rakhne ka....sala jaldi marta hein...aur unke dead bodies ke saath sone mein aloo-pyaaj logon ko darr lagega na...waise I have some findings in the 'challenging field of washing' also...like...the collars and the hands are the most vulnerable areas for 'meil'...so u better use brushes to clean those areas....also ARIEL has a better smell than surf....toh dekha!there are advantages of staying alone...aur bhi bahut saare advantages are there...I will tell u later....
PS: Last saturday,Idea's network was down.So the only words I uttered last saturday were..."5 roti,ek mixed veg"(to the dhabawala at 1:15 PM),"Jindegi kaisi hein paheli haai.."(the song--while taking bath at 2:45 PM).."aah!"(at 11:05 PM...guess why?...yes!when there was a power cut)...no wonder the TV,the stove,the bed,the tables think that their owner is a goonga....
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
My spiritual Jagran
Then they lead me inside a room.'Where am I being taken to?',I asked.The sage smirked and asked politely,"Son!Do u know my name?".I couldn't answer that & before I could blink my eyes,5 thundering slaps put my jaws into 'comma'.I could hear a couple of mosquitoes singing around my ears.Then the sage pointed towards the fan and asked,"Son!Can u scold it for 5 mins?".I had not watched too many Hollywood movies till then and Vishal Bharadwaj's 'Omkara' was far from being scripted in 2001.Surely I was not upto the expectations.So he blessed me with some more 'taste the thunder' types blows.
That was the beginning.From that day onwards,for next 2 months,the sage flanked by a few other holy souls used to pay a regular visit to my hostel room.Soon I realised that these visits were better known as "Ragging" among common people.And for some inexplicable reasons,I was doing a 'crow dance'(Remember 'Jise dhundta hoon main' from 'Dil chahta hein') at 3 in the night.I was gradually blossoming in2 a multi-tasking robot--from a 'vodka'delivery boy 2 a 'shameless proposing machine',from being a midnight entertainer to a smiling boxing bag,from an ever reliable 'assignment' copier to a 'censored' story writer...my own talents amazed me..and for a few days,I forgot that I was there 2 study machines and not 2 study the morphology of my roommate...not to compete with my batchmates on who can give better 'mallis' to the seniors...and then the holy souls realised one day,that I was wise and pure enough to be blessed with 'moksha'...and I tell u,once u attain this,u realise that u r ready urself to actually mould the next breed of 'aspiring engineers' 2 'ur types'...who must realise that they r not coming to REC 2 become engineers,but 2 understand that 'life is short,so have fun'...to know that it's a cool thing 2 decorate ur speech with some fashionable words,migrated from US and north india...2 understand that 90% of the professors are crap even before they attend their 1st class...and once these 'holy thoughts' are configured in their brains,they r also elligible 2 groom the next gen:-)....
And this is what we call as 'Spiritual jagran'....
That was the beginning.From that day onwards,for next 2 months,the sage flanked by a few other holy souls used to pay a regular visit to my hostel room.Soon I realised that these visits were better known as "Ragging" among common people.And for some inexplicable reasons,I was doing a 'crow dance'(Remember 'Jise dhundta hoon main' from 'Dil chahta hein') at 3 in the night.I was gradually blossoming in2 a multi-tasking robot--from a 'vodka'delivery boy 2 a 'shameless proposing machine',from being a midnight entertainer to a smiling boxing bag,from an ever reliable 'assignment' copier to a 'censored' story writer...my own talents amazed me..and for a few days,I forgot that I was there 2 study machines and not 2 study the morphology of my roommate...not to compete with my batchmates on who can give better 'mallis' to the seniors...and then the holy souls realised one day,that I was wise and pure enough to be blessed with 'moksha'...and I tell u,once u attain this,u realise that u r ready urself to actually mould the next breed of 'aspiring engineers' 2 'ur types'...who must realise that they r not coming to REC 2 become engineers,but 2 understand that 'life is short,so have fun'...to know that it's a cool thing 2 decorate ur speech with some fashionable words,migrated from US and north india...2 understand that 90% of the professors are crap even before they attend their 1st class...and once these 'holy thoughts' are configured in their brains,they r also elligible 2 groom the next gen:-)....
And this is what we call as 'Spiritual jagran'....
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Leave it yaar--'Ab kya title doon'
I finally decided to choose 'Meswak' over 'colgate'.1st reason being it's lot cheaper and the shopkeeper told me it tastes good.Even today,my concept of a good toothpaste is--it has good taste and very often, I quite stupidly ask shopkeepers,'iska taste kaisa hein?'.Actually I do not want to start off my day rubbing something on my teeth that tastes like a mixture of curd and 'bengan'.So I always preferred 'tasty' toothpastes.Infact bachpan mein I used to add 'toothpasts' in my favourite food items list.Coming back to Meswak-vs-Colgate saga,it's not that I do not like the taste of 'Colgate', but it's costly and even after using it for 24 years,I have stains on my lower jaw.And that's 1 reason why I deliberately hide my lower jaw while smiling.It took me 7 years to master the art.Whatever....
Toh the bottomline is I use a desi brand, called 'Meswak' these days.Aur kabhi kabhi agar office ke liye late hota hoon, toh I use it in breakfast also.They say isme kuch jadibooti hein that not just help u in the 'teeth department',but also help in keeping a fresh mind.[Please visit www.ishopindian.com/shop/catalog/Meswak-Toothpaste-p-22573.html for details].Mind se yaad aya--my girl thinks ki mujhe 'Black' movie mein Amitabh ko jo 'bhool ne ki' beemari lagi thi,woh lag gayi hein.'Alzeimer's desease'--thatz how they named it.Bechara Alzeimar,I don't think bachpan mein usne kabhi bhi socha hoga ki his name will be associated with a 'bhoolne ki beemari'--jaroor usne kisi interview mein 'what's ur father's name?' question ke time wall ki taraf dekh kar nakhoon chabaya hoga.And the interviewers would have declared,'aaj se bhool ne ki beemari ko log tere naam je janenge'.Toh my girl thinks that this desease has caught me too.And she has her reasons to think so.I don't forget the anniversaries or birthdays--come on yaar!aaj kal mobile phone ke jamane mein koi yeh sab bhoolta hein kya?--but I do struggle to figure out who Tuku dada is when she says,'tuku dada's bhabi came today.she was asking about u.'I immediately pray god 2 flash a photograph in front of my eyes where Tuku dada is happily holding his wife and both telling me 'hum tere hone wale yeh hein-woh hein'.But miracles happen very rarely, and more so with students who were 'less than average' in History.Very often,despite my greatest acting skills,I get caught and this results in a abrupt disconnection of the phone line.My tongue does release some special words of gratitude for Tuku dada and his wife,but koi fayda nahin....And not just in personal life,I think Alzeimer's ghost(assuming he is dead) is around me all the while.Very often I come out of shops without making payments,only to hear a Ravana look alike shouting from behind,'hei!hei...o sahab!mere paise'...as if I have just robbed him.Yes! it's quite embarassing for many,but not 4 me--coz I am quite used to it.yes!I am used to such a stupid thing.And it happens the other way around as well.Matlab paise deke, sanyashi type--jisko sansar ke moh maya mein koi interest nahin-- I come out without bothering to pick the 'saman' I paid for.And again the 'Ravana' shouts,'Oh sahab! aap ka bag...sahab!'...as if I intentionally left a bag,containing 'RDX' in his shop....'RDX' se yaad aya...I need to buy 'good night'--'mosquito party' is having a ball out there in my house these days..err...nights...toh m leaving....
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