Aaj ka Gundaraaj

"Hello!! Mr. Harikesh? Sir this is Kaveri calling from ICICI bank sir."

Harikesh? Is her father sitting at the “Municipality Board of Jorhat”(Jorhat is my native town) and just changed my name from Hrishikesh to Harikesh? I may not be the most self respectful person around — coz I never retaliate with a ‘Kis se baat kar raha hein bey?’ when someone in the traffic shouts ‘Gaadi chalane nahin aati kya?’ at me. Or for that matter, I merely say ‘Thik hein’ when the guy staying next to my flat warns me not to through cigarette buds in front of his door(U never know Malaika Arora se bhi slim dikhnewala woh aadmi Bruce lee ka najayaj beta bhi ho sakta hein). But when it comes to my name, I am damn very particular about it. The “Krantiveer ka Nana Patekar” wakes up inside me when someone calls my name wrongly.
“Stupid girl! Pehle naam thik se bolna sikh. Phir call karna.”
These lines were about to come out at the highest possible pitch my ‘awaaz’ ever reached, but suddenly I thought…..Who knows this girl might have a brother, who might be frustrated with life for not getting the gym instructor’s job at “Stayfit gym, Begumpet” and kills time at home digesting the ‘gaalis’ of his retired father all day long. My lines would make Kaveri cry and when she would go home ‘anna’ would ask,”emaindi chelli?” (Means ‘kya hua behen?’ in telegu). Then all his frustration and anger would be released in a boxing bag named ‘Harikesh’. I have played a boxing bag before (read my earlier post ‘My spiritual jagran’). But there is a difference between playing that role to a guy who didn’t like your hairstyle and a guy whose sister was insulted by u. I didn’t dare to think beyond this and “decided to understand” that it doesn’t make any difference if someone changes my name from Hrishikesh to Harikesh or maybe even to Harekrishna.
“Yes Kaveri. Tell me.”
“Sir actually this call is regarding credit cards sir. Sir if u are free, can I take 5 mins from u?”
My brain automatically translated her lines to something like this:
“Sir I am calling from another 'brain eating organisation' of Hyderabad sir. Sir actually this call is regarding a couple of things that u least want to hear after lunch. Sir if u permit, can I start eating ur brain for sometime?”
Normally I handle these calls with a “No thanks”(For ladies) or a “Nahin”(For guys). But I thought of having some fun that day.
“Credit cards? What are they? I mean I have heard of them, but do not really know what they are.”, I replied.
“Ok I will tell u Mr. Harikesh. You can use credit cards instead of cash. Suppose you wanna buy something….if you do not wat to make any cash transaction then you can use credit cards.”
“Wow! Means credit cards are alternatives for cash.”
“Yes Mr.Harikesh.Exactly….”
“This is great Kaveri. How do credit cards look like? Do they look like greeting cards?”
“No no sir.”,she smirked,”they look like…mmmmm…visiting cards.”
“Great! So we can use them as visitng cards?”,I asked.
“No, no! do not give your credit card to anybody. I said they just look like visiting cards.”
“Ok ok! But what is your profit if I take a credit card? I mean I will be getting goods for free. What will u gain from that?”,I asked.
“Noooo…noooo….noooo(the ‘o’ part in ‘no’ stretched)…u won’t get things for free. Instead of cash, u will use the credit card. That’s it.”,she explained.
“Okkkkk(Now I prolonged the ‘k’ part in ‘ok’). But how many credit cards will I get? I mean instead of a 100 rupee note, I will have to show a 100 rupee credit card or instead of a 50 rupee note, I will have to show a 50 rupee credit card, right?”
“Oh Shivaaa!”, she said and hung up.

Ab mujhe phir se darr lagne laga! Is she referring to “Lord Shiva” only or is Shiva her Hercules ka chota bhai type boyfriend???

But nothing nightmarish happened and for next 3-4 weeks those calls from ICICI stopped bugging me……

I....Tom Hanks....

If someone sets a hidden camera on me these days,what he would end up having is a documentory on "a man's struggle for roti-kapda and makan".The film would be much boring than the art films we used to watch in DD1 when we were in primary schools.Apart from one or two STD calls(say for 45 mins),there is not a single minute in the remaining 1395 minutes that would appeal the audience.There was a time(in 2002-03-04) where a film on my daily life would have earned anyone an Oscar.There was comedy,drama(by some of our college deans),dance,music,cricket,suspense(exam results) and even action(yes!I represented my college in a fight with the nearby gaonwallahs).Yes!one element was still missing,but even that was compansated with the regular 9 to 10 shows in Gyani's computer.But within 2 years everything met with a "Napoleon fate".And my waterloo was awaiting me in Hyderabad. Today I see myself as the Tom Hanks of "Cast Away".The excitement in my life means "kya aaj mera daal achcha banega?".Fun in my life means Star-one 10:00 PM--where Vinay Pathak and co do the same to bollywood/politicians that we used to do to our friends in college.Exercise means "washing 10 shirts on Sundays".2 years back I never thought that I would be cooking daal-chawal 'mere apne haathon se' someday.My friends(who were much more well informed than me) told me that life in a metro rocks....'Abey just go outta college!!phir dekhna kya mast life hein'....I promise I would keep pet dogs in the name of everyone who told me that.

But I am not sad about all these.Coz another element that has vanished from the movie is 'emotions':-).Seems like I have turned into a robot--who wakes up 5 minutes past his official office time.Then curses himself for once again forgetting to bring biscuits for breakfast.Then with "khali pet" drives his 'Apache' to office at 40 kmph(I think my lifestyle deserves a Bajaj Boxer or a Hero Majestic rather than an Apache)...then blends himself into work for the next 10-11 hours.When I come home,my bed,my tables-chairs shout,"goonga aa gaya, goonga aa gaya"[coz they hardly see me speaking]...I pickup my mobile and go to the roof...when I come down, my experiment with daal-chawal begins....hei!I have had some findings yaar--if u add 2 onions instead of 1 in daal,uska taste ekdam sonu nigam ke acting skills jaisa ban jata hein(remember love in nepal,jaani dushman)....on the other hand,in chicken,the more the onion,better the taste....also kabhi bhi tomatto ko dusre cheezon ke saath nahin rakhne ka....sala jaldi marta hein...aur unke dead bodies ke saath sone mein aloo-pyaaj logon ko darr lagega na...waise I have some findings in the 'challenging field of washing' also...like...the collars and the hands are the most vulnerable areas for 'meil'...so u better use brushes to clean those areas....also ARIEL has a better smell than surf....toh dekha!there are advantages of staying alone...aur bhi bahut saare advantages are there...I will tell u later....

PS: Last saturday,Idea's network was down.So the only words I uttered last saturday were..."5 roti,ek mixed veg"(to the dhabawala at 1:15 PM),"Jindegi kaisi hein paheli haai.."(the song--while taking bath at 2:45 PM).."aah!"(at 11:05 PM...guess why?...yes!when there was a power cut)...no wonder the TV,the stove,the bed,the tables think that their owner is a goonga....